Tips for Erasmus romances: How to make a long distance relationship work

As I mentioned in my last blog post, Why I decided to move to Madrid, finding love in Erasmus is very common and could happen to you.

Some couples may just be in the mood for a short term fling and not take it seriously in the long term, but others realize that they can't let go that easily. If it hits you, and you find yourself facing the scary and intimidating possibility of having a long distance relationship after the Erasmus is over, look no further for advice.

I hope my tips helps you out and I wish you the best of luck!

Communication

Just as love is a two way street, communication is a two freaky way street too. Especially in a long distance relationship.

Why? Well, because words are the only thing you two have to keep the realationship going and to reassure each other. The other person can't physically be there to support you on bad days when you're feeling low or experiencing doubts, nor than they physically be there on good days to celebrate something special with you.

No hugs, no cuddles, just words, blow-kisses, and arguments through the phone or computer camera.

When I say you need to have communication, I don't mean you have to talk with each other 24/7. This is especially impossible when you're on totally different time zones. Sometimes I would be saying good night and at the same time bae would be saying good morning, or viceversa.

Real communication is telling the other person how you feel, whether it is good or bad, and not keeping it inside you because you're afraid of coming off as weak. It's telling each other your insecurities and doubts, and saying how much you can't wait to see each other.

Let me tell you, we were really bad at this in the beginning.

First of all, bae is a human of few words, which is a lovely quality except when there's a nice big ocean in between the two of us and I couldn't see her actions or body language.

Many times text messages and their connotations were totally misinterpreted. So basically, there were times when I was silently suffering, thinking that she had lost interest in me because, for example, she had said "hi" instead of "HI! ". Silly, isn't it? And the solution seems easy, no?

All I had to do was ask, and all she had to do was open up and tell me that I was really important to her and care about me, and lacking enthusiasm some days didn't mean that she didn't care anymore.

But it wasn't as easy as that, because sometimes we didn't really know how to express how we felt.

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Getting to the point of being comfortable with saying everything to each other took a lot of time, not just because we were afraid of seeming desperate, but also because sometimes the feelings were just too complicated to put in words.

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It is hard to fully open up to the other person and exchange honest opinions and feelings, but give it time and patience. Don't try to force the other person to tell you everything at once, but let them know that you would like to work on being more open with each other.

Everything happens step by step, and there will be moments of doubt and insecurities because that is normal. In a long-distance relationship it is really important to, more often than not, verbally reassure each other of your interest and love for one another. You might think it gets old and boring and stupid (and cheesy), but it doesn't, and it's very much needed.

"Eye for an eye" doesn't apply here

Doing sh*t as revenge or to make your significant other jealous and see if they really like you or not is extremely childish and doesn't work.

Example: She danced with someone at a party (even if it's a totally innocent and casual dancing action), and I got kind of jealous, so I'm going to dance with someone at a party to make her feel the same as me. I'm 100% guilty of doing this, and I regret it.

In the beginning stages of the relationship, if she did something that bothered me, instead of being open and talking about it with her, I would go and do the same thing for "revenge", and then I would tell her about it because I wanted to see if it bothered her too.

That was my "test" to see if she liked me as much as I liked her.

First of all, that was stupid because not everybody reacts to a situation in the same way, and not everybody gets jealous at the same things. Second of all, why would she show or tell me that it bothered her if I never showed her when something bothered me?

No logic there. It sounds so stupid, but the sad thing is that a lot of couples do this and they think it works.

Instead of strengthening your relationship or friendship with someone, doing things like this makes you look like you're not serious about them and you're playing games, and it often can result in loss of trust. On an extreme level, this game of "getting back at each other" can outright tear the relationship apart.

As Gandhi said:

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So deep and so true.

Why do we do these things for "revenge" and why do we try to test the other person? Why can't we just tell them straight up how we feel?

In my case, I used to be afraid of looking wimpy and insecure and clingy, so I'd pretend like I didn't care that much and I'd go to parties, hoping that she'd be worried or something.

I kept trying to know if she cared by testing her reactions, because I didn't know if she would tell the truth if I plainly asked. The worst part is that she did care very much, but said nothing because she was trying to be as reserved and "chill" as I was trying to be.

Seriously, worst. thing. ever.

Don't try to "test" your partner and don't try to "pretend" you're ok with something when you're not, because in the end everything all comes back to bite you both and it just causes slow erosion of trust, which is really hard to build back up (although I think it's possible, eventually).

Don't act too indifferent or give them too much space to make them feel like you don't give a crap about them (I've done that mistake a few times, and it did more damage than I expected), and don't be a crazy control freak either.

Best solution: ask them their feelings and tell them yours. Come up with agreements on what you both see as appropriate or inappropriate when it comes to going out and interacting with other people.

If your partner cares enough, they should be understanding, empathetic and respectful about how you feel, and they should want you to show them the same understanding, empathy and respect. This goes back to the basics of having good communication with each other.

Keep yourself busy

Get a job, go out with friends, make plans to do things, and go do them! Do not sit at home all day like a depressed loser, waiting for your bae to be free to skype or to text you back.

You will drive yourself crazy (and drive bae crazy too). The best thing to do is set a time when you are both free to talk, and diligently go by it. Don't be late, don't make them wait.

During the 8 months that we were apart, I spent way too much time in my bed waiting for her to be free and talk with me.

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Big Fat Loser status

On top of that, I'd get upset when she wasn't free during the times that I wanted her to be or when she didn't give me as much time as I had hoped. I pretty much entitled myself to her time because I waited so much for it.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely do deserve some of her time, just as all couples deserve some of each others time, but she also deserves time for herself and for her friends.

She fell into the same trap too, waiting for me while I was out with my friends, and ended up feeling sad and disappointed when I wasn't free at the same time that she was.

So the solution is for both parties to stay busy but reserve a special time for each other, whether it's every day, every other day, or however you prefer to allocate it out. Again, this is a derivative of communication.

Beware of social media

Being far from your special someone is hard not only because you lack physical contact, but because it's too easy to let your imagination slip and imagine them being unloyal to you, even if you have no reason to think that way.

Well, if that wasn't already bad enough, social media, such as snapcrap and instash*t, add a special touch of sparkles to really get your imagination running at tip top shape.

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Social media is a great way to keep in touch with people who are far away and to keep yourself updates on their lives and news. But there is always a downside to something good.

Unfortunately, it is way too easy to see a post or a "like", misinterpret it, overanalyze it, form assumptions, and this almost always leads to increased levels of insecurities, trust issues, jealousy, misunderstandings and doubts about your loved one and their behind-the-scenes activities.

Sometimes these feelings can have some reasonable truth behind them, like if your boyfriend or girlfriend is obviously and publicly full-out flirting with someone else online (and in that case, it's not worth wasting your time with them); but most of the time these feelings of doubts and insecurities can be totally out of proportion, without basis, and they will cause unwanted conflicts and tension in your long distance relationship.

For example: "Who is that person whose picture that bae liked? Is bae interested in them? Who are all these followers? Are they sending bae private messages? Why does bae even need followers? Isn't my attention enough? " - My mind.

Crazy lady on the loose, you say? Maybe, but I also know that a good number of you reading this are probably in the same boat and these thoughts have definitely crossed your minds.

Ok, maybe you're special and you won't have this problem with your boyfriend or girlfriend because you might have 100% trust in each other, or maybe neither of you use social media that much, so that's really great for you guys! But for those who do have this problem, I don't think I have to go into much more detail because ya know exactly what I mean.

My solution? Well crap, this is the one thing I'm weak on and I have to work a lot on it. When I get insecure about that stuff, I go crazy. Step one here is to realize that yes, you're crazy, and that's ok. And then I go talk about it with her. That's step two.

We discuss it, talk about why I feel that way, this and that, and how can we improve this. That's step three. You gotta improvise from there and adjust your conversation with your partner based on both of your particular situations.

Even though you could argue that my insecurities are my problem and I have to deal with them myself, I am very lucky to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't consider this a problem that I have to face alone, and we are able to be very open and cooperative about it.

She understands and reassures me that there's nothing to worry about, and shows a lot of concern and support. Oh hey, that sounds a lot like communication, again.

Plan together your next meeting and future adventures.

This keeps interest and hope between each other and gives you both something to look forward to.

While the above points 1-4 are applicable to all relationships (long and short distance), this particular piece of advice is really essential for long distance.

Let me put it this way: being patient in a long distance relationship with no finish line is like smiling forever waiting for someone to take your picture, but they don't know how to do it. And while you're waiting for the picture to be taken, your face just hurts and the fake smile sucks so you give up on taking the picture.

Same thing goes for long distance relationships. With no visible end to the long distance relationship, many couples will decide to give up, because, what's the point?

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Countdown to stay motivated!

When I left my Erasmus in France in December, we had no idea when we would see each other again, so we might as well have said bye forever. But because we seriously discussed meeting each other again, we had hope and reason to keep talking as a couple.

We didn't wait longer than two months until we finally bought her plane ticket to come see me in the US in March. And soon after that, I bought my one-way ticket in April to go see her in August, and I ended up staying to live in Madrid for two years.

Having fixed dates makes waiting so much easier (although it's still excruciating), and it gives you something so special and exciting to count down to.

Conclusion

When it comes to long distance, you shouldn't have to question or doubt whether this person is worth waiting for. I never once doubted my choice to wait and finally move to a different country for someone because I really believed she was worth it.

Of course I experienced doubts and insecurities about whether she might change her feelings about me, which is normal in every relationship, but I never doubted that this person was worth the effort and patience to stay in a long distance relationship, and at least try to make it work.

Yes, I definitely took a huge chance and it could have failed, but I think of it this way: I went with the mentality that I wouldn't be regretting this because I knew that I would do some great things along the way, like travel, learn Spanish, get a master's degree at the University Complutense of Madrid, make new friends.

I did all of this, and more, and it all started with a little romance.

Read my next blog about How to pick your a** up and be a successful spontaneous traveler.

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