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28 reasons why you should never go to Portugal

If you ever think about going to Portugal to spend some time, then I strongly suggest you read this article before making your decision. It's for your own good, really.

1. Portugal is rather dull-looking.

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Douro River, Porto.

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2. The natural landscapes aren’t exactly breathtaking.

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Douro Valley

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3. If you’re looking to go to the beach, forget it. They're all crap.

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Praia da Rocha, Algarve.

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4. Yep, nothing to see here at all, folks.

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Beach cave at Praia de Benagil, Lagoa.

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5. Please, the hobbit house is a lot cooler. You poser.

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Casa do Penedo in Fafe, Braga.

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6. It's a country with absolutely no history.

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Padrão dos Descobrimentos, Lisbon.

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7. It’s boring to be at. Nowhere interesting to go to.

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Guimarães Castle, the birthplace of Portugal.

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8. It’s just meh.

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Serra da Estrela

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9. No interesting wildlife.

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Iberian Wolf

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10. The countryside is as exciting as watching paint dry.

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Drave, Aveiro.

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11. Aveiro is Portugal’s Venice? Pfff, please. Nice try.

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Aveiro

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12. The food looks awful.

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Cozido à portuguesa.

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13. And then there’s also the "francesinha" I wrote about in my former post. It almost makes you wanna throw up, doesn’t it?

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Francesinha from Tappas Café in Candal, Vila Nova de Gaia, Porto.

Check out the former post here.

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14. The drinks too. No good wine anywhere in this country. Just awful.

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Graham’s Port Wine.

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15. No especially tasty sweets either for dessert. Why God, why?

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Pastéis de Belém, Lisbon.

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16. The cities, especially the main ones, look horrible. And you call yourself the capital, Lisbon?

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Praça Marquês de Pombal, Lisbon.

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17. Nothing cultural or traditional worth noting.

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Festa do São João in Porto (lit. St. John’s Festival).

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18. Museums are even more boring than usual. No history, remember?

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National Coach Museum, Lisbon.

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Serralves Museum, Porto.

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19. No good music festivals happening either. Much less international ones.

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Rock in Rio Lisbon 2014.

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20. And even the women are hideous. Seriously, some of them even have a moustache!

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Sara Sampaio, Portuguese model (with a little tweak, lol).

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21. Awful music called “Fado” that is apparently held in high regard by all the Portuguese. Can’t figure that one out for the life of me.

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A drawing of Amália Rodrigues in Lisbon. She is considered to be the voice of Portugal, the Queen of Fado.

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22. In terms of sports, Portugal sucks. No one here cares much about it, especially about football.

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Estádio da Luz, Lisbon. Portugal x Sweden, 2013.

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23. The people are very rude. And they don’t care much for foreigners. You’ve been warned.

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Merchants at the Bolhão Market, Porto.

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24. And look, it’s a freaking wasteland mostly.

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Marvão, Portalegre.

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25. Especially in Alentejo. It’s basically the desert of Portugal.

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Alentejo.

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26. People don’t know how to party there. Really disappointing.

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Xutos e Pontapés at Enterro de Aveiro, April 2014.

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27. So, if you still haven’t got the message…

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Parque da Cidade do Porto.

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28. Don’t bother traveling to Portugal!

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Torre de Belém, Lisbon.

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Oh, and also...

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Cristiano is obviously sad to see you’re never, ever coming to visit his country. So is Mourinho, but a tough SOB like him would never show his tears.

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You've probably realized it halfway through this, but I am indeed contradicting myself in this article. And yes, this is on purpose. That's because Portugal is actually one of the best places you could ever visit! Just ask anyone who's been there that was in a position similar to yours, or people that actually live there. And yes, you will probably encounter some older people with moustaches, although it's not as common as before. But not women though! That was just a joke.

I hope not...


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Comments (34 comments)

  • Mike Györgyi 4 years ago

    I agree with the ones about food wine and women, but the rest is wrong :P

  • Fábio César 4 years ago

    I am Portuguese(Madeira Island) and we'll have to agree to disagree.

  • Nuno vanZeller 4 years ago

    How come, Fabio?

    Aw come now, Mike, I guess you just need to see it to believe it :D Ever been to Portugal?

  • Luís Pinho 4 years ago

    Ridiculous post, really.

  • Stephanie Pacheco 4 years ago

    Guys this is a sarcastic post... She is saying how much she LOVES Portugal... That's the whole point!!!!!

  • July Wetschnig 4 years ago

    So true! I did an exchange year in Lisbon, I absolutely loved it. It was the best time of my life. Such a beautiful country, so many amazing things to see and great people. I totally agree with you. Saudades de Portugal!

  • Nuno vanZeller 4 years ago

    Btw, I'm a "he" Stephanie hahaha. And it is surprising to see the amount of people who don't understand sarcasm. Not just here, but in Facebook and other social media.

    Thank you July! Glad you liked it! Hope you can visit Portugal again sometime :)

  • Mario Ride 4 years ago

    Excelent!

  • Francisco Barros 4 years ago

    thank you so much for this article Nuno vanZeller. I'm proud to be portuguese...
    good work...

  • Kevin Parker 4 years ago

    Spent two weeks in Portugal in 2012 (mostly Lisbon and the Algarve) and loved absolutely everything about it. Hope to get back someday and see the rest of this beautiful country.

  • Kim Martins 4 years ago

    I don't now what's your f*problem Nuno "smth", however thanks God for this, it means that I'll can enjoy my country without having to step over you with my nice portuguese car ... Cheers ;)

  • Bruno da Rosa 4 years ago

    People, just google "sarcasm" and you will understand.

  • Bruno da Silva 4 years ago

    The guy that wrote this doesnt know that The capital of Portugal is Coimbra not lisbon.

  • Nuno vanZeller 4 years ago

    Nah bro, it's obviously Porto. Everyone knows that.

  • Hugo Abreu 4 years ago

    very nice article Nuno, congrats!!!!!

  • Maria Nunes 4 years ago

    The guy who wrote dont know nothing about my Country... Stupid Guy, is his name.....

  • Maria Nunes 4 years ago

    Já vi muita coisa e li bastante.. Mas.. O que este tipo escreveu é de alguém bastante fútil!!! Ele que fique no País dele, nós por cá não precisamos de gente ignorante.. Vá-se tratar!!!

  • Kevin Parker 4 years ago

    What's Portuguese for "sarcasm"?

  • Luis Rainha 4 years ago

    29. A originalidade não é lá muito o nosso forte. http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaneyman/27-reasons-you-should-never-visit-poland#.mow57Gdw

  • Raquel Oli 4 years ago

    sarcasm means --- http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sarcasm
    sarcasmo significa -- http://www.significados.com.br/sarcasmo/

  • Patrick McCann 3 years ago

    Don't bother with Portugal. It's nothing special. Beware also of crazy motorway tolls and rip off car rental. Usually there is mileage limit and charge on every mile thereafter. Be ready for a nasty car rental bill. Sneaky tactics in play to rob your money. I don't recommend renting a car unless you enjoy being ripped off. I won't be going back to Portugal that's for sure.

  • Frank Eddy 3 years ago

    23. Lady in market was kinda nice but a ripoff artist !She sold us rotten fruit for high prices ! I hate being ripped off it just puts an awful taste in my mouth. Especially from this fruit vendor . Buyers beware!

  • Miguel Solans 3 years ago

    To whoever created this stupid meaningless article: DIE!
    What the hell? I wonder, have you ever visited Portugal? All your statements points that you actually never did.

  • Bozzy Lewis 3 years ago

    Of course this site is a joke ! There is really nothing to not like about Portugal, and it is still one of the least visited and known Western European countries. Often over-looked and over-shadowed by Spain, if you have already travelled extensively in some of the more well-known countries like Spain, France and Italy....give Portugal a try !The country has a very rich navigational heritage, nice and warm people, good wines and great foods, classic Mediterranean charm, many historic and cultural sights to see and a great and diverse natural landscape from North to South. You will be glad you did !

  • Teddy roth 3 years ago

    my jaw dropped especially when you mentioned the people there being 'non-friendly' seeing as portugal is one of the most friendliest nations on earth. its a relief that this is a joke! lol.

  • Bozzy Lewis 3 years ago

    Of course this is a BIG joke !Every scene and landscape is quite magnificent and Portugal has a lot to offer a traveler.....if you just give it a chance !

  • trevgkify . 2 years ago

    I find Portuguese to be very aggressive pushy drivers. They tend to drive on the bumper of the cars in front of them.
    Why do they do this? because they are rather arrogant and truly believe they are the only ones entitled to be driving on the road. Watch out for them at food buffets too where they do the exact same, shoving and pushing to the front. Even threatening to beat people up if they give them the wrong look. If you do get into a fight with their macho males, beware because they tend to fight dirty, either on 1 or scratch & bite like girls. Yes, this makes them extremely arrogant people, in my opinion and I am sure some Portuguese will want to prove me wrong and tell me I am not entitled to an opinion (it's their Barosso/Ronaldo arrogance showing) in the coming responses I expect why follow telling me I am wrong and they (Portuguese are correct, wait for it.......
    One last point to the writer of this article, Portugal is so great, the vast amount Portuguese are forced to go overseas for work because your country is so corrupt and you cannot earn enough to live off, but you would not contradict your self on that point, nor mention it because Portuguese are all so perfect....and hubris. But that's just my opinion.

  • trevgkify . 2 years ago

    ps... Portuguese do however have an excuse for driving so atrociously, the excuse is, they only switched from donkey power to + 200 bhp in the late 1980's, hence, they don't yet have the knack of controlling sophisticated machines yet. They cannot afford them either but they buy on credit the fastest, latest, expensive cars, with money provided them by the the EU taxpayer, thanks to ECB QE money printing machine and that is why they are friendly because the rest of us pay them so they can buy expensive 2nd villas and cars. Wake up Europe!!!

  • esaelP woN latubmeN 2 years ago

    trevgkify, então? Não conseguiste faturar enquanto lá estiveste, foi?

  • Gonçalo Santos 2 years ago

    Hummm,someone who didn't have luck while he was here... Having money doesn't mean you are good looking

  • Nuno vanZeller 2 years ago

    Writer here. trevgkify, while I could just answer you like "tl;dr", like most of the Internet would, I'll just say this: it's a valid opinion.
    I can't really relate to it, as what you wrote never happened to me once, but ok. It sucks you had to experience such misfortunes there and, consequently, proceed to commit the fallacy of generalizing an entire people as "arrogant" or "atrocious". You'll be missing out on a lot of great stuff.
    And you do have a point about the emigration issue, but trust me, it's not as bad an issue as you make it look like.
    And that P.S...great stuff. I reckon we should start investing in donkey power again, might help against global warming and the atrocious driving you mentioned. Then Europe could follow suit! And so on.
    Anyway, here's hoping you can give Portugal a second chance someday!

  • Filipa Semedo one year ago

    Sorry for all the portuguese getting angry at you, they didn't get it was a joke and although portuguese are usually nice they can do a 180 when they feel someone is criticizing their country. That's our own job ahah

    Para os portugueses, este post é sarcástico, por favor parem de ser rudes para alguém que fez um artigo sobre o quanto gosta de Portugal, só estão a manchar a nossa imagem, ainda por cima num post que mostra tudo o que há de bom no nosso país.

  • Emanuel Brown one year ago

    I been treated like crap by people from this country. I hate it

  • Allow Hogbar 7 months ago

    Very selfish and crooked people and businesses. Very slow and lazy. Things never happen in Portugal and promises are very rarely kept. Customer service is a joke. Very hollow-worded people - what they say and talk, never happens and is just b/s. I did not even bother buiding relationships with them. It's like building a relationship with a donut hole. Also very stupid people. Illiterate. Never invite into their home. No wonder, there are many quicksilver thieves. Once you gort mno money left to spend, you will not have any "friends". It will be very calm in your house as there will ber no visistors anymore or friends calling you. They will move to other countries to get jobs, because Portugal now has lower salaries than some ex-Soviet states. First impression in Portugal - oh how friendly and nice! But when you dig deeper, they are xenophobic, self-centered, depressed, self-inverted. There are nice ones, but few in between. Hold on to nice ones and treat them well, cause there are not so many and 50% are rude. I am not a Brit, I am from Kazakhstan.

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