Should I go on Erasmus with or without a partner?

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There are already so many things to say about Erasmus so far, and I have only been here for two months! However, as I don't want to write a kind of diary, or tell you every boring detail of my days without analysing them properly, I think it is important to occasionally write articles that will provoke a reaction from the reader. After my entry called "Never give up anything, especially not as an Erasmus student", I think it's about time, before continuing with my Erasmus experiences so far, that I stopped for a bit to reflect on a difficult subject that many people are concerned with throughout their lives, and also here in the city of Łódź, Poland.

The topic in question is none other than the debate between staying with your girlfriend/boyfriend and therefore entering a long-distance relationship through your Erasmus placement, or breaking up with them, and going on alone. Of course, beforehand the answer may be very simple, like the fact that if you love your partner, stay with them, but the reality is totally different. In reality, we find ourselves going through three crucial stages in this type of relationship, three stages that I am going to explain to you:

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1. After you find out that you are going on an Erasmus placement:

Everything is going smoothly, and the relationship is seemingly functioning well (because obviously, if it's not, we wouldn't even think about staying with them), and although you have had your ups and downs like all the couples on the planet, things are more positive than negative and everything goes on. However, of course the long-awaited day comes where someone asks if someone is or isn't going on their Erasmus placement, and it is always the same one of the two people who asks. Nervous to see the paperwork, they quickly realise that everything has been confirmed, and that even if first choice is not given, they know that you are leaving Spain next year.

In this moment it is clear: you are happy that you have been accepted, because not everyone achieves that because usually you have to pass languages tests and some universities give more complicated tests than others, and when you see your partner you tell them the exciting news happily (sometimes, too happily). I have seen those who have jumped up and shouted excitedly after having received their place, just to be greeted with their boyfriends face saying: "but no... I won't see you at all next year... "

Some advice:

contain your excitement. We all know that if you have applied and been accepted, you're going to be happy, but showing this too much will not make your partner feel good.

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Of course, you are not likely to think about anyone else in this moment and you will only see the positive, but you also need to calm down and realise that it is not as great as it seems.

That is that, whether we want it or not, since both of you already know that one of you will go in a few months to some country lost in the world... everything changes. And it changes because even if you don't want to think about Erasmus too much in your daily life because you know that it makes your partner upset, it's impossible. It's impossible because, between having to fill out loads of paperwork, people commenting on it daily and on top of that, having to prepare everything (mentally as well)... It's impossible.

Even though nobody has left, with the passing of time you will begin to notice how something has changed with your partner. You will still love each other, obviously, still have a good time together, but you won't have any other choice except to think, "now what? ". Nobody can tell me that they haven't thought about this question because, no matter how much of a long time you and your partner have been together, there is still a doubt whether you will still be together this time next year. Surely this is the first time that you two have faced this situation of only being able to see the person you love only two to five times a year.

Furthermore, there aren't many people that are able to anticipate the facts and know beforehand what will happen during Erasmus. It is because of this that we hardly ever find ourselves mentally prepared for what we will face. The fact of not being able to speak to the other person every day, and there will even be days where talking via webcam is impossible too, or just being able to speak for a little bit, it will always seem too short, that is already enough for an Erasmus student. I have to say, that time, they say there is lots of it on Erasmus, but I am on Erasmus now and there is little. But of course, you can make time, but it would be sacrificing the time you could spend with others, and you would be screwing yourself up and the experience will not be as good as it could be.

Stay calm, there is time for everything of course and I will explain how.

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The days will pass you by and the time will come to think about your destination more often than we would often wish, and this makes it so that you will even grow apart from your partner so that this time won't be so hard for them. The one who leaves is impatient and nervous and the other will feel like time is passing too quickly, and they feel as if they have not demonstrated their love for the other person enough.

Fear and insecurities don't need to have space here, given that it only takes a little mistrust in your partner for everything to increase with the arrival of Erasmus. If you don't trust your partner completely, don't even consider being with them during your Erasmus placement because it will no longer be easy. Don't consider that they will cheat on you, it is the distance and your mind playing tricks on you, it will damage you and your relationship and provoke you to say something bad the next time you chat on webcam or the phone. It will make you paranoid and catch you in a vicious, endless cycle that will clearly end with a break up or cheating.

Advice:

if you don't trust your partner fully, or they don't trust in you, talk about it. Or else the consequences will be worse than just a break up over time.

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But you say, Antonio, you're crazy! If my partner and I love each other, how can I make things clear about being jealous/distrustful/impatient/etc and not go on as if nothing is about to happen? Well, the best thing to do is sit down calmly and talk one evening about what is going to happen whilst you're on Erasmus, like the number of visits per year, the possibility of not being able to speak a lot, etc. So that when you are in phase two, as I will explain later, it will not catch you unaware. Ask other couples what they did in this situation.

Look... A year on Erasmus with a partner is totally doable. I have done it myself last year and I am proud of it. Furthermore, I was in the "less good" part that wasn't like Erasmus, and yet it was more or less worth it (of course with some logical ups and downs). With everything that I have said, I am not trying to dishearten you, just the opposite actually, I encourage the couples that are prepared for it and hope that you do it without much suffering and of course, without paranoia.

The first pre-Erasmus phase is the most important. It will map out the rest of the relationship as it is here where we first think about what to do with all of this and how to go about it (and as I have said, if you don't think about how to do it, think about the negatives as they will catch you unprepared). It is right at this point where we have to see whether it will be worth it or not to spend a year separated... Whether you can see a future with this person or not.

And I am going to leave this here because it is already getting too long and it is better to write several smaller articles than one long one, not only to create intrigue, but also to avoid making the the article heavy.

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