How to have deep conversations and make unforgettable connections during your Erasmus Year Abroad?

Having good conversations, which are deep and at the same time allows you to meet new people (whether that's during Erasmus or on a trip) is super important and has many advantages. It allows you to make a good impression, sound connections more quickly and more efficiently, and to create unforgettable memories.

Don't underestimate the importance of relationships. It's a big part of our happiness and it makes up a big part of our life! Hence our interest in taking time to invest in the different techniques of communication.

The psychology and the understanding of human relationships falls within my favourite subjects, and that's why I took several days to really take the time to dig deep into my knowledge, books and resources to write a guide which is as complete as possible.

Because even if this subject can be applied to all situations, I still find it even more enriching when we are on Erasmus and we have so many opportunities to integrate with one another.

Finding a topic of conversation: talking about things which have just happened

Every time you start a conversation with someone you don't know or don't know very well, one of the techniques to go for is to talk about something which happened earlier that day.

That way, we don't rush people too much, as a question can sometimes do, and we give them the opportunity to ask us a question by responding to what we have said or adding something they know about the topic.

Don't underestimate the number of good conversations that you can have by saying "I've just finished eating the most delicious plate of pate, the best I have tried so far on my Erasmus in Italy!"

Moreover, studies show that 63% of people remember information through telling a story, whereas only 5% of people remember statistics and figures which are just thrown at them.

So, don't forget to use elements of storytelling to engage your listener: describe the setting, the people involved, what they are like, what happened and what the difficult thing was about it.

Ask personal questions

This first step may seem obvious to make a sound connection with someone, but it's not as easy to carry out.

In fact, asking personal questions works better in a casual setting with a friend we already know a little about.

It's the best way to get to know someone better, in a deeper way. Personal questions also show that you're interested and wish to listen to what the person has to say.

I'll speak about that later in the guide, but don't be afraid of asking personal questions too early on, as long as you feel that it won't bother the other person (you mustn't be too intrusive either, it's up to you to "get a feel" for the person. )

Breaking the ice: avoid greetings which are too ordinary

From the beginning of the conversation, you can avoid the first stage of "small talk" and stand out by rephrasing the usual forms of greetings. For example, by asking, "what do you do?" you're putting the person you're speaking to into a box where they cannot talk about anything else but work.

A way to get around this, would be to ask some of the following questions:

• "What is something which makes you different?"
• "What are your distinctive characteristics?"

That will surely provoke a little smile and surprise the person.

But this wording is powerful, because it directly touches the person, establishing them, and it makes them unique and different from others. You could even find out something crazy which others don't know about them: who knows, maybe they're a doctor by day and a rock star by night?

If you already know the person, you could try to break the ice with an insignificant question like: "How was your weekend?" or "What's up?".

But generally, the answers are vague, and they don't contain much detail.

That's why I rather recommend asking things like: "What was the best part of your weekend?" or "Are you doing anything special this week?" instead.

In this way, your conversation partner can tell you a story which will enable you to know more about them and what motivates them.

This advice also applies to when someone asks you what you do in life (amongst other questions): don't just say that you're a student or you're travelling around, you could keep the conversation going by adding details about things you have accomplished with regard to your work or your trip.

Likewise, when they ask you what you do for fun or to relax, talk about a recent experience you have had during your free time, whether that's having performed at a piano concert or having been jogging in the park.

Ask questions about their life and experiences

Another efficient way to approach personal topics without being too intrusive, is to ask the other person about their experiences. Preferably, it's better to talk about positive experiences because according to a psychological bias, the person will associate the discussion of a positive experience with you, and you will leave a better impression.

To be more precise, here are some examples:

- What was it like to grow up in another country and then to move here?

- How was your trip in East Asia as a volunteer?

- How did you know that you wanted to be an English teacher in Japan?

- What's the biggest obstacle you've had to overcome?

Try to build a genuine relationship

You must never force the conversation. Try to touch upon something which interests the other person and yourself at the same time. In this way, the connection is authentic, and the person will be more open to talking deeply about the topic.

Another psychological element to take into account is that you mustn't assume that the other person is dull or not interested. Because by having that thought at the back of your mind, it's going to subconsciously affect your conversation and ruin it.

In other words, assume that the other person is also keen on having deep conversations and has lots of things you can learn from.

Finding out about their hopes and dreams

Asking someone about their aims in life is one way to learn about what they like and how they want to move forward. Learning about someone's hopes and dreams can encourage them to open up to you and speak about things which really matter to them, which will guarantee to make the discussion lively and interesting.

That could be about objects in many different fields (concerning work, fitness, lifestyle, hobbies, etc... )

Here are some concrete examples you can use:

- "What would you like to accomplish in life?"

- "What milestones would you like to reach in the next five years?"

Find out about their family

Families shape people in a significant way, and they affect their whole lives. Getting to know someone's family could say a lot about them. You can start with simple and basic questions and then ask more meaningful questions.

For example, asking: "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" then, "Do you get on well with your family?" or, "What sort of relationship do you have with your family?"

However, be careful and take into consideration that not everyone likes talking about their family. If the person seems uneasy or wants to change the subject, respect their wishes and do so.

Ask questions about their career in general rather than about their job

Asking questions about their career could be better in a professional setting and could be a good way to approach someone. For someone stuck in their job, speaking about their career and what they want could be a useful way to make a step forward and to realise that they have options.

For example, if you want to have an interesting conversation with a colleague, ask them what led them to the job or what they like about it. You can equally ask them where they would like to see themselves or what their career goal is.

However, if the person doesn't particularly like their job, I recommend avoiding that subject. You could try to ask them questions about their free time. Often, you can learn more about a person when asking questions about their hobbies than asking them questions about their job.

Well, even if you work in the same field, try to engage your partner on a more personal level by moving away from work-related topics.

Remember your previous conversations

One way to show that you pay attention to the person is to remember your previous discussions and things which are important to them.

If you know that the person has just come back from their Erasmus experience, or is about to go on a world tour, or has just moved to America, ask them for updates on those things. That will show that you listen to them and you're interested in their life.

That could equally help you to understand them better and to open the door to more conversations.

Here is an example to give you an idea:

"How did your exam go at the university? I know you worked really hard. "

Another advantage of bringing up past events, is that it triggers a nostalgic feeling.

Recognising past events, and remembering them, is a positive way to bring up feelings of appreciation. According to the psychologist Clay Routledge's study, he revealed that the act of revisiting moments shared between you and another person increases feelings of social connectivity and you even make yourself more united and respectful of each other.

In order to dig deeper into nostalgia, I recommend speaking about your experiences growing up, of your childhood and adolescence. That enables you to form an intimate bond with the other person. By expressing everything you suffered in your youth or the things you did wrong when you were a child, you give the other person a real insight into what has shaped you into the adult you are today.

Ask open questions

A conversation doesn't consist of talking to someone: it's the conversation which talks to the person. You learn more about the other person's opinions and experiences by asking open and interesting questions. If the person is about to tell you something, follow it up with a question which encourages them to continue talking.

The idea here is to look out for open questions in which the person can elaborate more however they wish. A deep conversation is difficult to develop through questions with a simple "yes" or "no" answers because they lead to a dead end.

It also enables you to obtain more information, giving your partner the opportunity to explore and share their thoughts are opinions.

For example, instead of asking another Erasmus student, "Do you like living in Italy?" you could ask: "How do you feel in this new environment?"

Or even, questions of this style:

- "How did that make you feel?"

- "What would you like to do?"

- "What do you think?"

Follow it up with more in-depth questions

Instead of brushing the surface on several different topics, don't hesitate to ask for more information on the last response, and help the person to open up.

In other words, if you ask a general question, follow it up with a more specific question. Your questions should engage the person and help to create a depth to the conversation.

For example, if someone talks about a holiday memory, you can then ask them: "How has that trip affected your life?" or, "What have you gained from that experience?"

However, be careful not to overdo it with questions and more questions, the discussion shouldn't become an interrogation where it seems like a police investigation!

Ask good questions which show you are engaged

One of the best ways to show engagement is to express a natural interest in what the other person is saying to you.

Make sure that you ask at least one question before moving onto the next topic. Gathering information increases the chance of establishing a bond with the other person. This stage also allows you to find a way of giving a help in hand, or helping the other person (but we will talk about this later on in the article).

In the same way, moderate the time you spend talking about yourself.

People spend around 60% of the time talking about themselves, which makes the brain release dopamine and makes us happy. But a deep conversation needs a back-and-forth, a balanced exchange between the two speakers. So, be aware of the exchange time and of this balance.

Find common interests and experiences.

A simple and easy way to communicate with someone is to find common interests, hobbies and experiences with the person you're speaking to. You may have grown up near each other, gone to the same university or watched the same television channels. Ask them about their life journey and if yours is similar, compare the two!

Because it isn't down to fate that dating sites link people together by what they have in common: several studies say that common ground makes a relationship strong.

When two people share similar interests, it creates fewer divisions and less judgement between them.

For example, if your friend is sad because their Erasmus experience is coming to an end and you have had a similar experience, you can appreciate how they feel and know that at that moment it's difficult to go back to reality and back to their country. Relating to difficult situations often brings a sense of comfort to someone.

And even if you haven't really had the same experiences, relating to them also shows that you understand, and you listen.

For example, you could try to say something like "I don't understand a word of Chinese, but I am fascinated by people who understand it, it must be so hard!

When you look for more things in common, don't wait around to talk about deeper topics if they immediately come to mind. If you aren't really that inspired, a trick would be to talk about psychology or other topics concerning our behaviour, our ways. Because we can all relate to these fields: we interact with other humans, we witness different behaviour...

Another excellent source of interesting ideas about the world and humans are TED conferences. They are conferences, whose motto, "Ideas Worth Sharing" explains the concept well. You can easily find videos on YouTube or other websites. I guarantee you that you will find something which intrigues you in a field that you like! And the advantage is that they are easy topics, super deep and interesting to share when having a discussion!

Learning about what others like

Knowing what our friends like and don't like allows us to better understand how to be a good friend to them. That may be obvious, but lots of us forget to ask out partners what they prefer.

For example, asking what activities they like the most, or what they value in their friendships with others... Understanding their opinions can only help us to become better people to speak to and improve our interactions.

Equally, learning how our friends like to be comforted when times are tough, is a valuable asset to have.

By asking them, "How can I help you when you don't feel good?" or even, "How would you like me to react when you're down/ when you're suffering?" it guarantees an intimate bond and a strong and kind relationship.

Also pay attention to the other person's body language and what it may mean. Studies show that 55% of a conversation's meaning comes from our facial expressions, 38% from our tone and only 7% from the words we use.

So, try to pay attention to their mouth moving and to their tone of voice when they are talking about a topic and try to understand their likes and dislikes.

Get ready to be vulnerable

A deep conversation is difficult to build and maintain if the people involved don't want to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means letting someone know that you're not always right, strong or perfect. Sharing your imperfections in a way which doesn't encourage pity, but which shows the other person that you are aware of difficulties in life.

Another way to be vulnerable is to share an experience, a personal memory and to include the other person. Be ready to open up, especially if you feel alone in something.

Some precautions: if someone is vulnerable with you, make sure you don't judge them or criticise them on their experience. Try to say something like: "You've shown great strength for overcoming this obstacle. "

In other words, to create a unique bond, you must be ready to reveal something about yourself and discuss how you felt and what you were able to learn from it. You don't need to reveal your deepest darkest secrets or anything like that, just something personal.

Moreover, according to my reading, the act of revealing something about ourselves makes others feel more inclined to do the same.

Giving and asking for advice

I admit it, this technique can call for greater courage for some, but it is really efficient.

Studies suggest that asking for advice can also help you to seem more competent and ensure that the other person feels like your ally.

Indeed, giving advice would be one of the most powerful forms of engaging between two people! When you give someone advice about a challenge they are facing, it means that you are ready to be honest with them and that you worry about them.

Combined, these two signals communicate a high degree of trust, which creates a deeper level of closeness. Because trust between two people always pays off in the end.

On the other hand, asking for advice goes back to my previous point: it goes back to expressing vulnerability, which also favours intimacy.

But be careful not to give out unwanted advice! You have to try to gauge the person in front of you and think how they might react to that.

Giving advice when the person didn't ask for it can encourage a defensive attitude (as part of human desire to maximise our personal freedom and our decision-making. )

If you have a doubt about how the other person is going to react to your advice, the safest way is to ask more questions and express empathy towards their situation, for example: "That sounds like a difficult situation, what do you think you're going to do?"

Show that you worry about the other person

A deep conversation doesn't necessarily have to be a long conversation full of minor details. Show that you worry about the other person, that you support them and that you're ready to help them.

The little things can mean a lot, so celebrate their successes, and show that you're there for them, in particular when they go through a difficult period.

For example, share your enthusiasm when you find out that they have received a grant, passed their exams, been accepted to go on Erasmus... Offer your support and your help in a meaningful way, whether that be via text message, email or a conversation in person.

Ask yourself how you can add to the value of the discussion

It's important to ask ourselves about how we can bring more value to someone in a discussion. That could be by adding information, thoughts, advice... Anyway, useful things that the person didn't know but will be useful! You'll be surprised to know how many opportunities we have to connect with others when you know what they really prioritise.

For that matter, a study shows that the happiest people engage in fewer small "superficial" conversations and have twice and many deep conversations than more unhappy people.

What you must remember is to value others' time and use it wisely: add to the value of time spent in a conversation by jumping past the small talk to getting deep in a way in which you and your partner can help each other.

Do whatever you can to help

Simply offering a help in hand already differentiates you from the rest in the eyes of the other person. Anyone can have a conversation to help someone, but many people don't stick to their promises.

People really appreciate their relationship when you actually give them whatever you said you would: a contact, a tool, some specific information, or do something you said you would.

Do you remember when I wrote earlier in the article that when we talk about ourselves and our experiences, it releases dopamine? Well when we share something with others (whether that be a dark secret, a dream, or an aspiration), our pleasure centres turn on as well and another hormone called oxytocin is released. Another name for oxytocin? The love hormone, because it plays an enormous role in creating bonds between two people.

According to my own research, studies show that the releasing of oxytocin makes us more friendly, united, and open towards our feelings. The releasing of oxytocin helps to deal with conflicts more efficiently and it decreases the social stress hormone.

Listen instead of planning your answer.

A study suggests that concentrating on your partner's words activates neurons in our brain which helps to retain information (instead of thinking in advance and panicking about our answers).

Therefore, try to ignore your thoughts and listen fully to what is said. If necessary (and strongly recommended), take a second to think about your answer before you start talking.

The ancient Chinese believed that everyone had a "monkey mind" which jumped from thought to thought: "What do you think of me?", "Have I made a good impression?", "I should get to the train station in two hours. " etc...

This constant mental noise diverts not only our attention away from the conversation, but also from our own perspective, priorities, and objectives.

If you listen to your "monkey mind", you'll only understand a percentage of what the other person has said. As a result, you will misunderstand and won't remember everything that was said.

So, don't be too enthusiastic towards your next thought. People can tell when you're not really listening because you can't seem to wait to share your next thought. Before they have finished, you are already eager to talk to them about an incredible experience you have just had or to react immediately.

Make sure you listen before speaking. If your story is really interesting, it will still be interesting in five minutes. And even if you forget what you were going to say, it will come back to you when the context is brought up again.

It's therefore about practising active listening. Instead of thinking in a way that you would normally react, take your time to listen and try to understand their words while the other person is speaking.

Pay attention to what they say, to the feelings they express and what they communicate through their body language. If you don't understand something they have said, or if you were going to respond directly to one of their points, repeat what you think they said first and then ask if you understood it right. (Look at the following point for examples)

Sometimes, being an active listener can also force you to stay silent. Showing that you are okay with silence, even if it's a bit uncomfortable, can give the person time to rephrase things in their mind and find the right words without feeling rushed.

Acknowledge what you have heard

When the other person has finished speaking, describe and repeat what they have just said. That confirms that you have really listened to the person, rather than to your internal dialogue (your "monkey mind").

That will also prevent you from following the conversation with any misunderstandings. That gives the other person the opportunity to correct your perception or to elaborate on their thoughts more to assure you that you've understood well.

By confirming their experiences, people feel heard and understood: that proves that you listen to them. When you approve of someone, you show them that you accept them and what they said is important.

Confirmation of something can be as simple as saying: "Wow, that seems so difficult!" or "I'm not surprised it was tough and stressful!". It creates a connection and safety, which is important in a deep conversation.

Don't forget that if you treat each conversation as an opportunity to convert people to your values and beliefs, you will probably find it hard to make sure that somebody stays. After all, nobody likes having the impression of being converted.

To give you some examples, you could paraphrase someone else's ideas by using statements like "So what you're saying is... ", or "That's interesting you feel like that because... " or "That's certainly a perspective which makes you think... "

Maintain an open body language

Your body can communicate to the other person that you're listening and that you're engaged. Nod your head from time to time, smile and use other facial expressions to show you're paying attention. Examine your posture and make sure that it's open and that it makes the other person feel comfortable.

What I mean by that is that it's advisable to unfold your arms and legs and face the other person while they're speaking, in a relaxed position with kind visual contact.

But especially, avoid forcing your body language to be too over the top, because it's easy to know when it's "fake" and it has the opposite effect.

Approach the conversation openly

This point concerns the conversations where you don't exactly have the same opinions as the other person. My advice here wouldn't be to avoid the topics where your opinions differ, because this makes the discussion more enriching and interesting.

If you don't agree on something, be ready to listen to the person and consider their point of view. Instead of making your objective about "winning" the debate or being right, make your objective about better understanding someone and hearing a different perspective.

For example, if you have a tendency to argue with your best friend about politics, try to make the conversation deeper by attentively listening to each other and by being ready to take in their point of view.

Accept and involve everyone in the discussion

If you have a conversation with several people or if someone is nearby, make sure to include "strangers" in the conversation.

Too often than not, people are so focused on speaking to only one person that they forget to include someone who could make a difference and bring lots of enriching elements to the conversation.

Copy good conversationists

One of my favourite pieces of advice is to watch comedians on stage, listen to talk-show amateurs, and other real people like your average Joe who you find charismatic.

Try to remember the types of questions they ask, the way they follow up someone's response and even the way they use silence and their body language.

There's a good chance that they learnt in the same way: by observing, taking notes, and (most importantly) putting it into practice.

Being honest

After all, there's nothing bad about simply saying: "You know, I'm not mad on discussions about the rain or good weather, shall we talk about something more meaningful?"

It's likely that the person you're speaking to will be surprised at first, but they'll feel a little relieved in the end, seeing that you go straight to the point and that it's not worth talking about banality.

I therefore recommend always having some "thoughtful" questions to hand which encourages intimacy. In particular: "What are you afraid of these days?" and "Are you satisfied with your current lifestyle?"

Reveal some of your past failures

In general, if you talk about your accomplishments, there's a strong chance that people respond by nodding their head and saying: "Congratulations, that's great!", which doesn't contain many elements to talk about.

However, as soon as you tell them about your mishaps or failures, there's more of a chance that it'll make them react and it'll start them talking about their misfortunes. Moreover, it enables us to exchange life lessons, and avoid others from making the same mistakes as us!

For example, you could tell the story of the time you accidentally tipped your food onto someone in the restaurant, or burnt your homemade pizza you wanted to take to a party, or even if you have actually thrown your phone into a bin by accident and you had to go into it to get it back...

They're only silly examples so you can understand my point! But you can adapt them and choose the ones which will hopefully make the other person laugh.

Don't multitask when speaking to someone

Just a quick point, but one I find extremely important, is when someone is speaking, and the other person is on the phone.

A study showed that it's difficult for the brain to concentrate on sounds and visuals at the same time. So, leave your phone/tablet/television/book (and any other activity you're doing) to pay all your attention to the conversation, you can get back to whatever you were doing after.

Have patience to develop the conversation

A study explains that online communication gives the false impression that a passionate and engaged conversation can be created with just a few lines of dialogue.

So, when you're face to face, don't feel bad if a meaningful conversation doesn't happen immediately! Continue to engage in communication and active listening to build a connection with the other person.

Be grateful towards the other person

Study after study in psychology have shown that gratitude is good for our body, our mind, and our relationships.

When you talk about what you're grateful for or when you express your appreciation for what someone has done, gratitude deepens our relationship with others.

In fact, gratitude has several consequences: it establishes trust and intimacy, creates a more satisfactory relationship and it encourages you, you and the person you're talking to, to give even more to your relationship (whether that be at the stage of getting to know someone, in a friendship or a romantic relationship).

When you do something that your partner is grateful for, it sets a kind of standard of reciprocity and encourages the other to do something good in return.

With this chain reaction, you and your friend feel even more grateful towards one another, which will make your relationship even strong. It's not magic that!

Conclusion

So now, instead of asking traditional questions:

- "What's up?"

- "What do you do?"

- "How is school?"

- "How is work?"

- "How is your sister?"

- "Can you give me the homework from yesterday's class?"

Try to ask questions more like:

- "What makes you feel more alive?"

- "If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?"

- "What was your favourite book when you were a child?"

- "Do you like your name, or have you ever wanted to change it?"

- "Do you have a mentor or someone who inspires you?"

- "What are you grateful for at the moment?"

- "If money wasn't a factor, how would you like to live your life?"

- "Is there something you'd like to outdo yourself in?"

- "What would your ideal day be like?"

- "How would you describe yourself in one word?"

- "Tell me about the time when you were most proud of yourself. "

- "What's missing in your life?"

- "What are your dreams in life?"

- "What are you most keen on at the moment?"

- "Have you changed much in the past few years?"

- "What were the good and bad times in your adolescence?"

- "If you were the richest person in the world, what would you do with your money?"

- "Where would you like to see yourself in three years' time?"

etc...

I could continue for even longer because by combining all the advice from the top, you can generate an infinite number of questions which lead to enriching and interesting deep conversations, and which especially makes a stronger bond with the other person.

A good exercise is also to ask yourself questions. I'm sure that you will learn a huge amount about yourself!

Even if these questions may seem strange in an everyday conversation (because if we admit, it's not every day that we think about these types of questions), be brave and dare yourself!

Of course, the person in front of you will surely be surprised, but if you make them feel open, I guarantee it will work.

So now you know what's left to do to take advantage of new encounters and friendships that you're going to make during your Erasmus year abroad: Practise!

If you have any questions or want to know the source of a specific study that I mentioned, don't hesitate to send me a message! As the article is so long, I would like to avoid making it even longer.

Good luck and thank you for reading from the beginning! It honestly makes me pleased to know that the time I took to research into this and writing this has been put to good use.

Have a good day and see you soon!

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