My Erasmus: how to survive a long distance relationship
How to survive a long distance relationship
The hardest moment of my life was saying goodbye to my boyfriend at the train station, tears in my eyes and uncertain as to whether we would last the next year. I was setting off for France, where I would be living and working for the next 12 months. My choice to go abroad was somewhat involuntary, a requirement by my university course and something I had begun to dread in the run up to leaving. I had initially been excited about my year abroad, but that had changed since we had got together.
We met at the start of the university year and had been dating for 10 months before I left for France. I was scared to even bring up the subject to start with, remembering the passing comments about who he might end up dating while I was away. But after a difficult ‘shall we break up or shall we make this work’ conversation, we decided to stay together. And 10 months later, we are still going strong and have 1 and a half months left to go. So here it is: My advice for surviving a long distance relationship.
Decide whether it’s worth it
One of the hardest decisions is deciding whether a long distance relationship is worth it in the first place. It’s important to have ‘the talk’ about what you’re going to do during your Erasmus. Inevitably whatever you choose will be painful, but you have to decide whether it will be more painful to stay together than break up. If your answer is ‘no, it will be more difficult to break up’, then long distance may be the best option for you. It may seem scary and daunting, but there are thousands of Erasmus couples making it work long distance. Of people I know, 7/8 couples are still going strong today. After all, it’s only a year... It goes quicker than you think.
Talk regularly
Talking regularly is one of the (obvious) keys to making a long distance relationship work. Skype and Facetime are a saviour, so be sure to use them as often as you can. I speak to my boyfriend several times a week, usually every 1-3 days depending on how busy we are. Make sure that you are up to date with what is going on in each other’s lives and remember important dates and details. It’s a small thing, but remembering to wish them luck for exams or asking how their night out was are all little ways of showing you care.
Messaging regularly is also a great way to communicate at times when you can’t use video call. Keeping each other updated on stupid thoughts or sending funny pictures is always guaranteed to make them smile. And feel free to send a few extra romantic texts every now and then. You can no longer show them that you care through physical expressions of love (even a kiss or a hug goes a long way). Sending an extra or spontaneous ‘I love you’ keeps them reassured that you care.
Be honest with each other
Honesty is key with every relationship, not just long distance. But the same rules apply: being open with each other is essential to making long distance work. If you miss someone, tell them- it’ll make you both feel better to talk about it. Don’t be afraid to tell them if they’ve hurt your feelings. The worst thing you could do is bottle all your feelings up and close yourself off from them. Discuss the difficulties you’ve been having as you may realise that your anger or sadness stem from somewhere else. Living abroad in a foreign country is hard, and I often have the habit of projecting my feelings onto my boyfriend. It’s only after talking about it that I realise that the stress from my job was causing me to act out. Similarly, I would always have a mini meltdown the week after I would see him. I would feel upset and lonely without him so I was more likely to lash out. Talking about these feelings, as well as understanding where they come from, really helped us to move on and push on through
Make future plans
Planning for the future is a great way to keep the relationship going. Make plans for them to come visit or for you to visit home. The occasional visit helps to keep the relationship alive, and it gives you something to look forward to/keep going for. Make plans for when you return, create a list of all the things you want to do when you’re back. You’ll find that time will go quicker than you think, and before you know it they’ll be there in person with you.
Keeping the spark
Keeping the spark in your relationship isn’t always easy. Emotionally speaking, it’s possible to keep things relatively normal with regular and open conversation. But when it comes to more intimate connections, it’s a little harder. Losing the physical side of a relationship can be difficult for many couples, and each manage it in their own way. When it comes to physical intimacy, it’s best to discuss how you want to manage it. Do you feel more comfortable avoiding the topic? Or sending messages? Pictures? Video calling? Waiting till you meet up? It’s a personal decision that needs to be made by both of you. My advice would be to still discuss the topic, instead of avoiding it completely. I think it’s healthy to talk about the physical side of your relationship- it helps to stop the spark from disappearing and keeps you looking forward to when you next get to meet up.
Physical intimacy can also be considered as simple physical contact with the other person. It’s difficult not to miss things like a simple hug or holding their hand. I found that having one of my boyfriend’s possessions, a hoodie that he forgot before I left for France, helps a lot. It’s not quite the same, but being able to wear his hoodie or sleep next to it allowed me to feel closer to him. It’s not for everyone, but it’s a strategy that works for me.
Have them as a presence
Having the other person as a presence in your life is still possible even when they’re far away. Having photos on your wall and screensavers of them is a nice way to feel a little closer to them. It’s also nice to have them as a presence via video call. If you’re both busy, it can be nice calling and getting on with your own things while on a call. Most couples have probably sat together doing different things, simply enjoying each other’s company. There’s no difference for while you’re abroad. Any contact with them helps, whether you decide to chat or work in silence together. Just as long as you carve out some ‘talking’ time as well.
So there you have it. My tips for surviving a long distance relationship.
Photo gallery
Content available in other languages
Want to have your own Erasmus blog?
If you are experiencing living abroad, you're an avid traveller or want to promote the city where you live... create your own blog and share your adventures!
I want to create my Erasmus blog! →
Comments (2 comments)
Honestly, I do not think that this is a good idea in principle for both people. But if this has already happened, then you need to make a lot of efforts to maintain relationships
It depends on the individual couple and how comfortable they feel with doing long distance. It certainly isn't for everyone and I would say it's far less feasible in the long term, but for the purposes of Erasmus (which is often only a year), long distance can sometimes be a better choice than breaking up.
Of the 8 other couples I know who also spent a year apart, only 1 broke up, so I think long distance can be a preferable alternative to abandoning an otherwise stable relationship. After all, a year isn't that long