Life goes on...

Today, the horrible events of the 13th November happened exactly one week ago and a lot changed since then .

The Monday after the attacks, a silent minute was hold to remember the victims. As I don’t have classes on Monday and still didn’t want to leave to house for less important stuff, I didn’t go to university. It should have been really affecting. I saw many pictures of all universities and big places during this minute. At the Sorbonne they started to sing for the victims and I almost started crying, when I saw the video. Every day, public letters, statements and reports are posted on the news. At my university, they have a wall, where we can write on for the remembrance of the victims as well as hang up letters and put up candles. Apparently, three of our students had also died during the attack. I am lucky that I and my friends were safe, but that was just a question of being at the right time at the right place or at the wrong time at the wrong place. Alone the thought, of how lucky we were, I mean we wanted to go out to exactly these places later.

The first days after the attacks, the streets were empty and quieter than usual. The people talked and laughed less, everyone seemed depressed. Or maybe it’s just my impression. I don’t know. I am not sure. Anyway, it feels like everything has changed. It might happen that you see someone at university, silently crying in a corner or that people talk nervously about the events of the weeks on the streets. A friend of mine quit the semester. Not only because of fear, more out of the wish of being with her family in these times. I heard of many others, who left back to their home countries. It is comprehensible. I also skyped hours and hours with my family, just to talk about everything that was going on, about how I feel… My friends said to me: “I want Paris back, how it was before that happened. I completely understand what she meant, as nothing is as it was before. All events are cancelled for this week, because of security reasons, at university the controls are even higher. Instead of one security guy, we have now three of them controlling ID and bags. Police is even more present than before. I actually feel safe and also already left the house at Sunday to go and visit my friend, who would be leaving. The other people outside still take my fear away and show that it is safe to go out.

But every small thing that happens, is enough to make me and other people freak out. The metro stops in the tunnel, my heart as well, the lights are flickering, I panic… and as soon as the metro continues and the lights go on I think by myself: that happens all the time, why are you so stressed? But something has changed… A door bangs, someone talks to me, people start running, someone screams, all these are things that I didn’t care about before and now my heart jumps at every small detail. Something has changed… I am in the metro on the way to my friend, someone writes me: “Are you at home? Be safe, something is going on at Place de la République, but we don’t know what.“ I am thinking, which way is shorter, back home or to my friend and start running to her house. Afterwards, it gets clear it was “only” a mass panic, at the same time as at another place. People are under suspense and overreact. Something has changed… Regularly, I check the news: a bomb scare here, there a police operation, here an explosion, trains are cancelled, hotels and airports evacuated. I am sitting in the train, suddenly an announcement: “A police unit to line B, a police unit to line B, fast, it’s an emergency.” Half of the mass, scared, jumps out of the train on the lines of exactly the line, where the police was called to. I am thinking about, where it would be more safe, the doors close and the train continues. Luckily… Until now, I don’t know, what happened there. An Arabic friend of mine is speaking to me about the attacks, he is really affected and tells me that he is afraid to leave the house, but also that the people are afraid of him, which is even worse. They look at him mistrustful and as soon as he wants to get something out of his bag leave, out of fear he could do something. Something has changed…

Everyone is asking the others, how they are, where they have been on this Friday, how they feel and what they thing about the situation. Many of my Parisian friends, which mostly live outside the centre, ask me how I feel and what my parents think and if I want to leave. It was so kind of them, how they cared about me. Everyone was looking out for the others. Our universities from our home countries write e-mails, if we are ok and if we want to leave. We answer, like in a trance: “We are fine, we are staying…” But actually, no one really knows what to think of the situation. The first days, I only left the house, when I had to, especially at night. I try not to be alone, but always being with friends. Someone always knows, where I am going. I even have friends, who come and get me, when I am afraid to leave the house. Doesn’t matter when and where. I am really thankful for that. Often, I stay at someone’s place, because I don’t want to return during the night, I always take my toothbrush and something to learn, just in case I don’t get home anymore. You never know. Something has changed…

When we plan something, someone always asks: „Is it safe?“ We don’t know, we think yes. So, yesterday we went to see the Eiffel tower lighted in the French colours. Fluctuat Net Mergitur is written on it. The Trocadero place, normally full with people day and night, is completely empty. Almost no one is outside. They are afraid. We are also under suspense. But we want to enjoy our Erasmus and not stay inside! Mostly, I avoid big places and important stations. The last nights we just met at friend’s places and stayed there. We don’t take unnecessary risks, but we will continue to live our lives. Now, many meetings under the theme of “Je suis en terrasse”are happening, to show that we are not afraid to go out and we will let no one influence our lives.

The state emergency has been extended to three months. Until Wendnesday it was national mourning, which means all attractions closed. Now, they are open again. So, life goes on. As normal, as it can be under these circumstances. Because something has changed.

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