How I feel now

Today, I came home after spending three months in Madrid. I came home to spend Christmas with my family and my old friends, who were waiting for me, who missed me and who wanted to see me. I did want to see them too. Though when I landed on the airport in Warsaw, I felt somewhat weird. I was not in a hurry, I left the plane the last and descended the stairs to be put into a crowded airport bus. The air was cold, yet pleasant. There was no snow, no rain, and no sun. I already forgot that in Poland the sun goes to sleep so quickly. It was only 7 pm and we were in the middle of the night. I stopped and sighed. I smelled the air. There is something wrong with this, I thought, and climbed the bus.

I followed all the people to the baggage claim area, waited for mine for ages and when it finally came, I grabbed it and made my way towards the exit. I didn’t feel excited. I just felt somehow irritated. And that feeling stayed with me when I met with my dad, who was already waiting for me there to drive me home. No excitement at all. No joy, no anything. No emotions. Did I really become so cold?

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Living abroad changed me. It changed everything I was before. I used to be a person that would hide from society, with a fear of going out there to the wild and have fun like everybody else. When everybody met with their friends, I would stay at home and study, and if not study then still just stay there, watching TV or doing something equally useless. I would look with disregard at people who drank alcohol, smoked cigarettes or liked to party a lot. This was the way my parents raised me and they were pretty happy that I turned out to be this way. It gave them the sense of security that nothing bad will ever happen to me and that I will never leave them. So I would run away from all the possible kinds of social interactions. I didn’t even have many friends. And those that I had were just like me. Maybe not so extremely antisocial, but still. I always had this dream to go and live abroad though. I never understood why I wanted to leave, why I wanted to be far away from my home and my country, but this feeling was lingering there in the air until I finally stumbled upon the opportunity to go on Erasmus to Murcia, Spain. I had to take it. I was scared, oh yes, I was. I have never spent so much time away from my home, on my own, and I had no experience whatsoever with people. I didn’t know how to make friends. I was shy, closed and scared to open myself to society. After the first month that I spent in Murcia everything changed. I got to know a new way of life, the one that I have never known before, maybe because I didn’t get a chance to experience it, or maybe because I was trying hard to avoid it. I don’t know if I really changed – maybe I always was this person that I am now, but she couldn’t make her way to the surface and hided inside of me until she couldn’t take it anymore. I feel better now. I feel better when I am away, though I know these are my roots and that I won’t change them, I know my life isn’t destined to be in my home country. Travelling is what completes me. It makes me feel alive.

The one thing that I know for sure is that taking this chance to live abroad for a while was the best thing that could happen to me. And now – Madrid. The second time I am away from home, another chance that I got from life. To be honest, my life was turned upside down in those three months, so many things happened and so many things changed that it feels like a dream. And the time passed by so quickly that before I blinked, I am already here, celebrating Christmas in Poland. I met many wonderful people and I made friendships that will probably last for a long time, even after we all go our ways and end up in different places around the globe. This is what is so fascinating - suddenly you are a part of the world, you meet people that otherwise you would never have a chance to meet and feel connected to every corner of the planet. Which is so beautiful. And so full of secrets, of different cultures, different lifestyles. And every single one of these people will teach you something new, something that would help you to define yourself as a person.

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Eventually, I freed myself from all the limits and all the rules. I don't have to follow a specified social pattern. I can be myself. And being home again reminds me of all the things that I felt before I went away. All the frustration, depression and emptiness. I admit it - I escaped from all of it. And suddenly, Madrid feels as if it was just a dream, a wonderful three-months long dream, or maybe just one night long dream, I wouldn't tell. As if it never happened in the first place. Weird, right? I know.

I never regretted, even for one second, that I took the risk. That I left everything behind and went away. I can’t express in words how happy I am to be there in Madrid. Have you ever tried to define happiness? Well, for me it’s this feeling that is always with you, in the bottom of every other feeling that you might experience, positive or negative. It is this moment when you wake up and realize that you are in the right place in the right time. When you look at yourself in the mirror, smile at yourself and feel at peace. And you sure know one thing about your life... It is awesome!

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