How not to pick up girls during your year abroad

You might have always dreamed of meeting an olive skinned Spanish girl, or longed to find the perfect dark haired Italian, and you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t at least once think about all the different kinds of people you were going to meet during your year abroad… all dem Erasmus hunnies.

However, whether you actually manage to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity to meet all sorts of exotic girls is entirely up to you. The reason I’m writing this article is to let you know what hasn’t worked for me.

Do not dance like a knob head

Probably one of the most important rules, as let’s be honest, most of your first encounters with these girls is going to be within the confines of some sort of club, or even bar (which makes what I’m about to say even more tragic). First impressions are obviously key, and no matter how well you managed to tart yourself up for the night out, all your hard work: the eyebrow plucking, the hair doing, and redoing; the extra long shower; will be ruined by committing the cardinal sin of overdancing.

You are not John Travolta. You might get away with the odd hip thrust, but let me tell you, going full try hard on the dance floor is one of the least attractive things to witness. What girl in her right mind would want to talk to a guy who, just moments ago, she saw dancing in a way that can only be described by varying degrees of seizures, only then to proceed dragging himself towards her, sweat pouring down his face and steam rising from the top of his head. You may have started the night having a slight chance of meeting someone, but your now kettle-like exterior has put an end to any hope you may have had.

The truth is, even if you aren’t even that bad at dancing, if your goal is to meet some girls, try and avoid it all together, at least anything more than a little step from side to side. Maintaining dry armpits and a dry forehead are always my number one priority, even though I’m yet to manage to do so.

Do not fall in love

She may be ‘the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen’ but in all honesty, with the quantity of alcohol coursing through your body, as well as the favourable dim lighting, we all know she probably isn’t. Even if she hasn’t see you dancing and you managed to wangle your way in to a conversation with her, no matter how nice, or genuine, or special she seems, you have still only known her for about 30 seconds, any sort of marriage proposal probably isn’t going to go down well.

She may be the only girl that has given you the time of day in months, but any chance you had of achieving any of your goals is blown out of the window when she pops out for a cigarette, or goes to the toilet. After what seems like an eternity has passed, she still hasn’t come back, and for all you know she has already found someone else, taking off in to the dark of the night, riding on the back of his motorbike, with her arms wrapped around his waist, whispering sweet nothings in his ear. This is where you make your mistake…

Having played it well enough to acquire her number, you send a playful little message asking ‘Where did you go? lol xx’ thinking that the lol itself proves you’re not a serial killer whilst the two little kisses suggest an interest but not the longing desperation that is slowly consuming your entire body. One text is followed by another, followed by five more, all with varying degrees of emoticons and numbers of kisses in an attempt to play down the fact you’re slowly losing your mind.

The longer it takes for her to reply, the harder you try to force the issue. Phone calls are made, voicemails are left. You declare your undying love for the girl you’ve just met, telling her you would be lost without her, a statement which is essentially true considering that in your blind panic you’ve managed to lose sight of anyone you actually know.

Then it happens. The hallowed reply that finally shows she has not forgotten you, that she wants to be with you, the moment you’ve been waiting for, the start of your future together. You click read message, eyes wide open in anticipation of what your future wife has to say…

"F**k off you weirdo! Never contact me again. "

You leave immediately, finding solace in a large Big Mac meal and a 20 Chicken Nugget Sharebox, that sadly, you’ll just be sharing with your tears tonight.

Do not not talk to them

As tragic as the previous two pieces of advice sound, a simpler, and perhaps less obvious mistake to make is not actually talking to anyone.

You can’t go out and expect to meet anyone if you just spend your time dancing (whether overly so or not) and getting smashed. You actually have to make the effort as you never know who might be interested. There might already be someone that has peaked your interest, but don’t be naive in thinking everything will just fall into place. You have to make a move.

Unfortunately, this is where my advice in this area ends. I know it means this has been a rather short section but seeking the advice of the polygamist 5 year old we all know would probably be a safer bet than listening to what I have to say. Being that they usually have about 7 girlfriends to choose from, I’m pretty sure they have more knowledge about the whole situation.

Do not treat them mean, they won’t be keen

After repeated failure, and on the verge of giving up all together, I think you can be forgiven in trying to adopt some of the apparently more successful tactics. And, despite the hypocrisy of criticising all those who do it, the old saying ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ seems like your last hope.

It won’t.

If you treat them mean, funnily enough, most of the time they’ll think you’re a dick head. Nobody really likes to be treated like that, and maybe a couple of friendly jibes here and there will add a playfulness to the conversation, but full on knob head mode is highly unadvisable. You might look around, see some of the people managing to stand there, frowning and ignoring people, yet still have an entourage running after them. You might think that you want a slice of that pie, but let me assure you, you don’t.

It doesn’t work and you’ll just end up annoying the people that you started to get along with. Just be yourself, have a laugh yes, but there is never a need to act like a spanner. It usually ends in the familiar way… a large Big Mac meal and a 20 Chicken Nugget Sharebox that, yet again, you have absolutely no one to share with.

Do not do any of these

Of course, there are thousands of other ways people can shoot themselves in the foot and crush their hopes of finding that dream girl. But, for the sake of not wasting any more of your time (and to not tarnish my own credentials any further, what little I had anyway) I feel like keeping to these four simple don’t will give you some idea of what is, and isn’t, the right way to go about this.

So good luck in your future endeavours, may you learn from my many mistakes and enjoy much greater success. The truth is, any success would be success in my eyes.

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