How I Coped With Post-Study Abroad Nostalgia

Told myself this palace was my home for six months in Madrid, Spain

Shortly after returning to the Philippines after a six-month "study tour" in Spain or "walwaldering" around Europe (the latter being a portmanteau of the Filipino word "walwal" meaning scattered and the German word "wanderlust" meaning a strong desire to travel), I was thrown into a dark abyss. No, seriously. Imagine already getting used to being in a different country every weekend and all of sudden having nothing to do on a day-to-day basis. I was enveloped in this emptiness that I thought I would never escape. It felt like I was once again trapped in a life unconsciously crafted by my previous actions - actions I no longer had anything to do with - and I wanted out.

For two weeks, I thought I had lost my passion and all will to survive. So melodramatic, I know, but for a while, it was my truth. The sparkle in my eyes went out just like that. I wasn't me anymore. I would sit around at home hating everything about it even though I waited six months to drink Yakult (a pro-biotic drink I grew up loving) and eat lechon manok (the best roast chicken in the world) again. It was a paradox like nothing I had ever encountered. It seemed hopeless. At the time, I had one year of college left and I thought that was it. To that version of myself, the goal was just to get through twelve more months in this 'hellhole' in the middle of Katipunan in the Philippines and maybe, if I got lucky, do something worthwhile with my life after.

A piece of advice to remember

But prior to leaving Spain, I was given a really good piece of advice by one of my teachers there. I was confused about going back to life in Manila because of all the complexities that came with it. There were people I didn't know if I should see again, there were things I didn't know I was interested in doing still. She told me, "you have to make your OWN decisions in life because no matter where they take you, no matter what consequences you have to eventually face, they will always be YOURS and no one else's". In Spanish, of course. As a person who has lived in and traveled all continents, she knew exactly what she was talking about when she said it's often harder to go back to your old life than to start a new one.

Appreciating the beauty of places like Lisbon, Portugal

When I remembered what she said, I suddenly felt guilt. I have been given so many opportunities in life, more than the next person, and yet at that time I actively chose to sulk at home and complain about how miserable I thought it was after that "grand, life-changing, fairy-tale adventure" forever known to me as Europe 2015. I realised then that it was only a matter of 'debriefing' myself and figuring out how exactly this experience changed me for the better. Changing my perspective was key to finding the solution to this problem undoubtedly brought about by a disgusting sense of entitlement. 

Going back to basics

All I wanted was a distraction but I knew I needed to face my demons. I tried out a few things to get out of this rut. Yoga worked, and it has since been a big part of my daily life. I stopped using social media outlets like Twitter and Instagram for three weeks (fact: it only takes 21 days to form a habit) just to get out of what I thought was a bad habit of oversharing information about myself and maybe start anew. In no time, I felt better. I felt like a new person. I was inspired again. I had all these positive, self-improving goals in mind. I was me again. 

Finding inspiration in photos taken in Barcelona, Spain

And then I remembered, what was the one thing that (ALMOST) ALWAYS allowed me to disentangle my mind when it was cluttered with webs of unhealthy thoughts? Writing. This. Blogging. This has always been my outlet from time immemorial. People always said I had a knack for story-telling and turning mundane ideas into quirky ones with words. Some people were even crazy enough to encourage me to write about my adventures in Europe. To face the nostalgia and turn it into something productive and meaningful. 

With all of this in mind, I went back to my old writings and was just in awe. The amount of wisdom my 20 year old self was capable of sharing to the world floored me - was that person really me? Can I be that person again? Seriously, those written compositions brought forth by simple experiences are like land, their value goes up over time (read: literally wrote TONS of curiously inspirational posts because my crush made eye contact with me). I thought, if I could inspire even just one person to go out there, live the life he or she wanted, travel more, exercise more, eat healthier - this would all be worth it. If I could inspire myself, my harshest critic, then I could *probably* inspire someone a little bit more optimistic as well. I knew I had to give it another shot. 

Finding my voice again

I started a travel blog then and have been writing about my adventures since. But here I am again, but this time more open than the open book my life has always been. There's something so refreshing about a person opening herself up to the world but it has always been a frustration of mine not having the confidence to share my writing. Even as I share these posts to the public, mostly appreciation for experiences long overdue, I'm still working on being comfortable with it. It still feels a little strange to know that my readership has expanded from close friends to kind of friends to acquaintances to complete strangers and I'm basically putting myself out there to be judged. But as Tyrion Lannister once said, and I'm paraphrasing a little here: you have to embrace who you are; wear it like armor and it can't ever be used against you.

Ultimately, this is my unburdening. This is my new adventure. But most importantly, this is my choice.

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